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When I was a kid they didn`t call it "Behavioral Disorders", They called it "Being a little brat".
A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
like this if you are against animal cruelty
You should always love a woman for her personality. We have so many to choose from.
You’d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their ass in the mirror they would be able to reverse into a parking spot.
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
You win some, you lose some, and if you`re lucky, you get some.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities"
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Nothing good ever came from drinking things that are on fire.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.