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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Is it a firm rule that you have to be an addict to check into rehab? Because that one in Malibu looks pretty nice.
Million Dollar Idea: Hire a bunch of people with OCD and start a cleaning company.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
Sluts are just hookers with no grasp of economics.
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
LSD makes users lose weight` That makes sense, it`s kinda hard to get to the fridge when there`s a dragon guarding it.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Fitness? More like, fitness whole pizza in my mouth.