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Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I`ve single handedly defeated my erection.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
Please don’t take anything I say personal or too seriously. I’m just an idiot with internet access.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I need a Shazam app for people I`m supposed to recognize but can`t remember
Don`t talk to me until I`ve had my coffee, my breakfast, lunch, juice, dinner, and at least two glasses of wine.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I`ve dieted and worked out enough to realize that the only way I`m getting smokin` hot is by getting cremated.
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the whatever.