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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
My kids refuses to play with the Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Every time I use a public bathroom, I always wonder why so many people have Sharpies on them at all times.
I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser.
I`m now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, Iād spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
Interviewer: "What did you like best about your last job?" Me: "Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake."
Do me a favor if someone tells you they don`t like me , tell them I don`t like them either.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.