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Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
I am sorry I had feelings. I`ll replace them with jokes right away.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He`s told every other person on earth and I didn`t want y`all to be out of the loop.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
All who post weather maps on FB. You know we have the internet too, right??
if i get a friend request from you and your profile picture is a car i`ll asume your a transformer
If it`s any consolation, your Doppelganger is probably having a really awesome day.
Energy conservation activists would get more attention if they called themselves power rangers.
It should be a rule that if you dress up like a red hair clown , you get a free happy meal at McDonalds .....I`ll pay this time , but I`m not happy ... !!