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The only "B" word you should call a woman is "beautiful"... B!tches love being called beautiful.
I just burned 1200 calories ... I forgot the pizza in the oven again.
Ladies - I am still available as a great last minute Christmas gift!
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
Million dollar idea: Pills that you can take with alcohol.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I started seeing this girl recently. She sometimes texts. Sometimes Whatsapps. Sometimes she emails. Sometimes she Facebooks. Im getting mixed messages.
You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.