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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
I wish I had a dollar for every dollar I don`t have.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
If you attached a bunch of watches together to make a belt it would be a waist of time.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that`s just for the alcohol.
I hate long distance relationships. That`s why I moved the fridge into my bedroom.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!