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I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
I’ve noticed the less open-minded someone is, the more open-mouthed they tend to be.
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
A female mantis kills the male after sex. That used to seem cruel, but now that I`m married with kids I think the male mantis gets off easy.
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Hate it when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and it’s not even in there.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
I wonder how the Never-ending story is doing.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.