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Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler. Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
I could really go for a beer and a million dollars.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
I got kicked out of the zoo for feeding the ducks ... to the alligators.
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
In a new study women with large a$$es live longer………the men who tell them live distinctively shorter lives.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?