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I will not be satisfied until I see a car with one woman sticker and twelve cat stickers.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
had a great time horseback riding today but then I ran out of quarters
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I`m never free but I`m available.
If you lose a tooth as an adult, the tooth fairy gives you a trailer.
Wanted a nap but had trouble getting to sleep. So I put on Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. Now 13 hours later, I`m well rested.
When I`m CEO of Subway, employees will no longer be called "sandwich artists." They will be "sub humans."
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."