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I`ve fallen down the stairs before. I don`t see what joy the Slinky gets out of it. That sh!t hurts.
My fake plant died because I didn`t pretend to water it
My internet goes out more than I do.
I have been tagged and poked so many times today, I may not be able to walk tomorrow.
Counting to ten when someone pisses you off works much better if you`re counting punches.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
If you ever get a flat tire, take a picture of it on your phone so for future reference you can use it as a valid excuse.
Never judge a girl`s boob size by their jacket.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
what happends when chemists pass away...We Barium.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.