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Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
I just attempted to wash a paper plate if you wonder how much money I have available.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I`d like to read an obituary that says "He laid down the boogie and played that funky music till he died."
I finally stopped caring what other people think ... I hope everyone`s ok with that.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn`t tear away ..
There are people on Facebook who don`t realize the difference between "What`s on your mind" or "I should talk to a therapist about this"
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
Ever wonder if we`re just a reality TV show for a more intelligent species?