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There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
Who let the owls out?? Don`t sing the chorus you`ll make it worse.
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
Trust me, when they make a pill that REALLY makes your d!ck grow, that commercial will be on during the Super Bowl, not 3am!
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
If someone doesn`t return your texts, relax and remember they`re probably just busy not liking you.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
That`s it!! I`m never drinking again until tomorrow.