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If gas prices keep going up I`m cutting off the bottom of my car and I`m "Flintstoning" That mf!
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
If you can`t think of a word, say "I forget the English word for it". That way people will think you`re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Jehovah`s Witnesses, Improving my hiding skills since 1974.
It`s 2014, people. Isn`t it about time we put an end to all this `wake up in the morning and go to work` nonsense?
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
You don`t know true competition until you`re one of the last two people in musical chairs.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I`ve got worms !!!! ......... worms in me garden