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I`d swim across the ocean for you.. Lol, Just kidding. There`s f*cking sharks in there.
Why be difficult, when with just a little more effort, you can be impossible.
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
I’m bored enough to clean.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two.
When Life rains on your parade, get out the Slip-n-Slide.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Been there, done that. allegedly
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
My girlfriend says I need to grow up. I think she`s just angry I didn`t give her the password to my pillow fort.