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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
It`s crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won`t keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
I tried stuff once. It was horrible.
Judge me if you will, just keep the verdict to yourself.
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
OMG! I went shopping because I needed a skirt and these earings were on special so I bought four new pairs of shoes!
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never received any d!ck pics
Some of us are basically unpaid Facebook interns.
I need chapstick on my lips ... anyone want to share ?
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC