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A person who says they will never lie to you is probably lying already.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Got a cat the other day. Had to swerve to get it, but I got it!
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
I will always be here for you. Unless we run out of beer and someone has some over there. Then I will be over there for you.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Today`s society is a good example of what happens when you let the clowns run the circus.
That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can`t possibly run away while laughing that hard at the same time.
In the beginning, God created Heaven and Earth. Everything else was made in China
Do Me: a favor. - Punctuation is important.
When your wife says she needs a new broom it`s best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.