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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Thanks to whoever made electrical outlets look like tiny screaming faces trapped inside my walls I can`t make eye contact.
SINGLE GUYS: Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they`re smart, confident, and aware they don`t need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
We live in the era of smartphones & stupid people
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Wow!!! Thank you guy on Facebook I went to high school with and haven`t spoken to in 14 years, you really changed my mind about this upcoming election....
Teaching your dog to fetch a beer is smart. Fetching it from the neighbours house is genius.
Someone once said, “Find a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” So, I’m pleased to announce the grand opening of my titty squeezing business!!
I`d like to give a shoutout to all the people who are going through an identity crisis, you know who you are... I think.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Another funny thing about this status is when you finally realize that it talks about nothing? its all ready too late to stop reading. lol
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
ATM`s need to have breathalyzers.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.