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Anyone who says sunshine brings happiness has never danced in the rain.
My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she’s a b!tch
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
She said there`s no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I`m supposed to just "forget about it"?
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!