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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Calm down, take a deep breath and hold it for about 20 minutes.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
I regret buying that straight jacket now. I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn`t pull it off...
Ever been in the middle of writing a great post and think, did I just run someone over?
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Why be full of hate when you can be full of pizza?
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
I dont hate you but, if you put `just about to jump off a cliff` as your facebook statuses i would poke you
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?