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BEER! The official sponsor of hot days!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the sh!t out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
I think "Don`t Kid Yourself" would be a great brand name for birth control pills....
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
What`s the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.
I was going to buy my first pair of Jordans.. Until I saw the price.. So I decided to make a car payment instead!
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.