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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
ME: “We have a problem, the liquor store is closed.” HER: “That`s ok, I don’t drink.” ME: “Ok we have two problems.”
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
I believe in looking out for number one. Especially if the dog is not house trained.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
I`m thinkin` Dodgeball........... but with random people..........who don`t know they are playing.............
You know its a bad day when your fat pants are tight :(
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
Your cat doesn`t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
You know what they say about men with big feet ;)..........We always have trouble finding shoes that fit.
I just finish reading "50 shades of gray" by Sherwin Williams. I don`t see what all the hype is about these paint brochures.