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When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
If you can`t fix it with duct tape or beer ... it ain`t worth fixin`
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
Did you know that one minute of kissing burns 26 calories? No wonder those sluts are so damn skinny.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
It`s just a matter of time before they add the word "Syndrome" after my last name...
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
Long time ago I used to be young and handsome.. Today? Just handsome
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
I wish all videos of people twerking ended with them catching on fire.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
I know my limits. I don’t pay any attention to them, but I know them