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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
I just ended a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn`t mine.
Don´t worry ... It only seems kinky the first time.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I just bumped into my old headmistress who said how weird it is to see me all grown up now. Surely it would be weirder if I was still 9.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
My Retirement Plan hinges on having at least one successful kid.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch