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Damn boy! Are you a slinky? Cause I wanna wanna push you down a flight of stairs, then kick you when you stop halfway to the bottom.
is tring to fool people into thinking I have a social life by going offline from Facebook for a few hours.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
I always wonder if the people sitting near me at church every Sunday are unsettled by the fact that I take my communion like a shot of cheap vodka because I`m still in a party mode
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
My talent is being wasted, if that counts as a talent.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck`s closet.
I have an eating disorder; I`m about to eat dis order of fries, dis order of wings, and dis order of nuggets.
Reasons I check my voicemail: 1% to hear the message. 99% to get rid of that annoying icon.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.
They say you can tell how someone has sex by how they dance…. So ladies be prepared for a lot of counting and clapping.