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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Sorry, kids. It appears ninjas ate all of our Halloween candy.
I`m getting all dressed up. Have a feeling I might be on COPS tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
I`m Not Single. I am romantically challenged
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
I think I bought just enough fireworks to get my neighbor to move.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
You know it`s getting bad when the voices in your head start texting you
“I wonder how much weight I’ve lost.” -Me, after eating one healthy meal.
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
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