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Whenever I lock a car up I always press the button twice in a row to let all nearby thieves know that I mean business.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
People are always much more interesting before you get to know them.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
It’s not you. It’s me finally realizing that you’re terrible.
With the problems I have, I would have taken my own life a long time ago but i have one question: Do they sell weed in hell?
I see you liked my status... I accept your invitation for sex.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Saying a prayer for all the turkeys today. Also the single people with concerned relatives.
"..all the king`s horses & all the king`s men couldn`t get Humpty together again" ... What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I`m at her place showing her how to open it.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.