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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze
The problem with some people is that they`re breathing.
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
Any hedge can be a maze if you are drunk enough.
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Literally saw someone get a tattoo of a camel on their toe.
Accidentally walking through the camping aisle at Target every once in a while is about as outdoorsy as I get.
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
Isn`t it weird that a vacuum cleaner isn`t something that is used to clean vacuums?
I used to be poor. Then I bought a thesaurus, and now I`m impecunious.