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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
I may love you...but everyone else thinks you suck! I was kidding... I think you suck too.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that reheated french fries are gross.
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.