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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I went to McDonald`s to grab my boys a couple of Happy meals. The guy serving me says "Would you like a Boy Toy"? I was like, "listen hear you little sh!t, you couldn`t handle me if you tried"!! What is this world coming too... :))
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don`t get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment. But stab him, just in case...
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
If your boyfriend answers your text while playing GTA, he doesn`t love you. He just died on the game.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theater but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain`t good.
You`re pretty cocky for someone with such a small ... vocabulary.
One man’s LOL is another man’s WTF.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.