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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
"what doesnt kill u makes u smaller" -mario Lol
OMG! I just discovered that if I align them JUST right, that I can make your boobs stand straight up (just like the broom trick)! Message me for an appointment! ;)
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Talk to me long enough and you`ll realize why I`m single.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered. I`m so glad I don`t drink anymore.
I`m not interested in anything that requires 5 hours of energy.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
If your bf/gf tries to start a fight with you just say, "Please. Not during Toyotathon."
I just want you to be happy. And naked.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar