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Another day where I`m not skinny, rich or famous. Getting real tired of this sh*t.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
I tried to make both ends meet, but I`m a poor judge of distance.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
I`ve started to make a fresh start in 2015, so if I owe you money, too bad.
The problem with diets is pizza.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
Don’t believe everything you think.
Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
Seriously, dude...Is there a name for what`s wrong with you?
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
"Don`t let a hot date turn into a due date."--my father`s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.