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Huge spoiler here ... Did you know Dave is actually NOT the real father of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Attention!! Today I am traveling back in time to right some wrongs in this world. You will know I succeeded if the Germans lost WW2 and that Thursday comes before Wednesday.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Do bees even have knees?
Parallel lines have so much in common, it`s a shame they`ll never meet
you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
You don’t have to be naked to have a good time, but it helps.
Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to .... unless your in prison!!!
I burn bridges to keep those crazy bastards from following me.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
Kinda funny how the Mayans said we were all gonna die in 2012, but they all disappeared way before us.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you`ll be really far away from me with your motivational nonsense.