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My girlfriend just threw away a bubble wrap without popping it. Just like that. I`m dating an animal :(
Yikes. don`t google "cream pies", google "cream pie recipes"
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I don`t like country music, but I don`t mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means `put down`.
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I should go to sleep but the Internet needs me.
When I order pizza online, in the "Special Instructions for the Driver" box, I put "Tell me I`m a pretty princess".
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.