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If you keep doing what you´ve always done, you´ll keep getting what you´ve always gotten.
Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
Never trust a skinny chef
If abortion is murder then are condoms kidnapping?
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Last night I got drunk and ate 3 tennis balls by mistake, f*ck you Pringle`s.
There just isn`t enough make-up in this world to cover up crazy.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I don`t always say I`m never drinking again, but when I do, I`m a f*cking liar.
According to this BMI chart ... I am to short.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?