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Does ke$ha go by k€sha in Europe?
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
This guy keeps asking me to help pet his neglected, one-eyed trouser snake. What a sweet guy! I think he`s a vet. Ladieeees! A doctor!!
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I’m always impressed when I can stump auto-correct...
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Call me a hoarder if you want but don`t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
The closest I`ve ever come to eating better is eating butter.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
I am 5 for 5 on popping my trunk instead of unlocking the fuel door at the gas station.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
B!tch, please! You`re so fake, even barbie is jealous of you