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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
My wife started clipping coupons to help save money. She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.
When one door opens & another one closes, your fricking house is HAUNTED!
You heard me right. I said:"Lets agree to disagree." It`s much more polite than:"Whatever, bitch."
Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart
I’ll need a weekend to recover from this weekend.
If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking!
ever notice that on a phone the word "mom" is 666?
Today`s the day I like to sneak onto the intercom at Walmart and say "would Jason Voorhees please report to aisle 13."
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.