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Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
when a police officer yells turn around . Do not respond by singing . Every now and then i get a little bit lonely when you never come around
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
Of course women have cleaner minds than men. They change them so damn often.