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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Once in a while you meet a person that makes you smile when you think about them. They`re trouble. Stay away from them.
Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
Relationship status: Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.