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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Door bells should be made illegal in commercials. Pet owners know what I’m talking about.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
I thought I was on the cash cab show! But turns out I was in a police car and cops hate trivia.
I was enjoying our conversation, but then I stopped talking and the whole thing got really boring.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait...
I want to be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
The problem with the world is intelligent people are full of doubts, while stupid people are full of confidence.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
My problem? Smart phones are too smart.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.