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I`ve decided to go my own way and think "inside the box" to be different ... Wow its dark in here!
"Ho, Ho, Ho!" -Santa Claus/Pimp, doing a head count.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.
I like to track people down, knock on their front door and say "we have ten people in common on Facebook, can I come in ?"
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?