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I want to meet myself from someone else’s point of view.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Stretch marks? You mean sick a$$ lightning tattoos.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets, are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
My Boss requested me on facebook. I was like "pssst". If only he knew all the sh*t I post about his ugly @$$.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Google maps should have a “Scenic!” route option for when we’re not in a hurry and just want to enjoy the ride.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine. And you know what else? Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets and we turned out fine.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.