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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
What flavor is this Harlem Shake you speak of?
That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler`s speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We`ll see about that.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Was just thinking …. What would the world be like if McDonalds delivered?
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters not in the word?
I feel like doing something productive today. If I sit here long enough, maybe it will go away.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I don’t want to rule the world… Just everything within a hundred square mile radius.
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
When someone tells you they`re playing a STD game... But you later realise they were talking about Spot The Difference.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.