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If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
This hangover feels like... I should take a shot.
Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can`t get a clear shot of a robber standing still.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
Do you ever wake up and kiss someone next to you and appreciate being alive? I did this and was chased out of the bus
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Gone insane. Be back Tuesday.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they`ll fill your antidepressants faster.