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That awkward moment when you have 10+ tabs open and you can`t figure out which one the music is coming from.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I bet now a lot of doctors are going to be reluctant to respond to “Is there a doctor on the plane?”
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it’s strapped to the top of someone’s car.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Neighbors at it again. I do NOT want to know the words to "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus!
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Most hated song in jail: "Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do when they come for you"......
Just bought a car with the money from my swear jar.