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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
It’s 2013, why does good food still have calories.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
Remember to make some bad decisions today. 20 years from now that’s all you’ll have to make your kids think you’re cool.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
It`s so nice to come home and relax with Facebook after a long day at the office being on Facebook.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
An apple a day will keep anyone away ... if thrown hard enough.
Divorce: Step 1: She throws all your sh!t in the street Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
I woke up feeling strange this morning...I felt Rested and Relaxed so I immediately Googled my symptoms. Turns out I had a `Sleep in` Apparently it`s not harmful but may be addictive. . .
Whenever a stranger asks our baby’s name, I always say he hasn’t told us yet.