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I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
That`s like asking the fat guy to watch the pie.
I`m so unlucky with women? I visited a massage parlour the other day..and they told me it was "self - service"
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
yo fellas how did that "wow" comment you left on that girls facebook picture play out
We should have a way of telling people their breath stinks without hurting their feelings like: “Well I’m bored, let’s go brush our teeth.”
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
Someone invited me to their dog`s birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog`s birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!