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I hate having to work for a living. But I hate starving even more.
I think it`s safe to assume that people buying stock in twitter have never actually been on twitter.
There`s no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
I like to spend Monday morning trying to remember what I was avoiding doing at work on Friday.
I`m not sure what my credit score is but I`m pretty sure I`m losing.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
It`s actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.
Use Angie`s List if you want a plumber to come over. Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Facebook should allow people to be in a relationship with food. That would be my relationship for eternity.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
There`s actually a website designed to simulate what it`s like to be the sole survivor of a nuclear holocaust, it`s called MySpace.