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You never know a person until you walk in their shoes... or until you check their browser history.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
Pick a woman with wits. Wits will never sag.
Billion Dollar Idea: An app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
Do you women realize how silly you all look with your clothes on?
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, "Would you take a photo of me?" If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside