Daily Silly Status

When your mother asks you if you`re sexually active, the correct response is: "No, I just lie there."

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

Swag is for boys. Class is for men.

I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."

I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?

You really can`t say your laundry is done unless you are completely naked

The grass is always greener over the septic tank

I swear I saw a guy earlier today that had no chin and all I could think about was, how does he put on pillow cases?

thinks that life was a lot simpler when I thought girls had cooties, and getting to the bottom of the sandbox was a good day.

I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.

A blind man walks into a bar....and a stool....and a table....

Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.

I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.