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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
My life is a lot like Ikea furniture with missing instructions. I’ll get it together eventually but it won’t ever feel quite right.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
In the 1960s, if you said "All my music is in the cloud" it was due to mushrooms; not Apple.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.