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When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
Holy crap! I just realized that I´m still it from a game of tag in 1987.
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Damn girl, are you a Snickers bar, because you`re so sweet and satisfying and surprisingly hard and ... hold on, are those nuts?
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
7,000 people were treated in emergency rooms for injuries sustained from fireworks. Don’t be a statistic, let your friend light the fuse
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
I think today I`m going to cut off the sleeves of my snuggie and walk around the neighborhood pretending I`m in a Clint Eastwood western movie.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
My illusion of having the Force is crushed the minute the remote is slightly out of reach.
When I was a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".