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Why are you showing me pictures of your kid if you have a dog?
I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
And for my next magic trick, I`ll walk down a street and turn into a bar.
I put my phone on airplane mode, and it dragged me out of my seat.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
I`d feel totally comfortable dating a zombie because I`d know she loved me for my brains and not just my body.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
I hope we`re friends until we die and then I hope we stay ghost friends and walk through walls and scare the sh!t out of people.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
Etc... A word used to make others believe that you know more than you actually do
An ex asking to stay friends after you break up is like a kidnapper asking to stay in touch after they let you go.
Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow`s ass
I could actually watch golf on TV if Land Mines were involved.