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finally got my certification in the mail, I`m officially insane.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
Big shout-out to slugs! Those little guys are out there everyday, doing all the same stuff as snails but without helmets.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
Surprise your wife today. Sell all her shoes and buy something nice for yourself.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)