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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? There was a DUMBASS who didn`t take it out in time.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Doctor: How is your headache? Me: She is fine.
I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
I was going to get married, but my wife refuses to sign the divorce papers
snooze button, becuase all I need after 8 hours of sleep, is a nap
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.