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I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is you are stupid and make bad decisions.
Sometimes I wish I could appear offline in real life too
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I`ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I`ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Studies confirm that smoking withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
I am not particularly bad at cooking but how long is pasta supposed to stay in the toaster ?
Life…it’s just an “F” in lie.
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.