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if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
A lot of you lose your sh!t and have some pretty epic, public meltdowns. I just wanted to say thanks.
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
With the rise of self-driving vehicles, eventually there will be a country song about how your truck left you too.
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell? There´s apparently more traffic going to hell!!
I put my phone on Airplane Mode and now I can`t find it...
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
Facebook: The only place where you get excited when strangers follow you.
How to Train Your Dragon offers no practical dragon training information. NONE. Zero stars.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
There`s a Bullying Support Group meeting, tomorrow night at 8 ... You`d better f*cking be there.