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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Scream “Chrome is better than Firefox” around a group of geeks if you wanna see them argue for 2 hours.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Some people should use a glue stick instead of chap stick.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
I`m never free but I`m available.
Screw your recommended serving size. You don`t know me.
"American Pie" ruined it for any kid that actually does have an amazing story from band camp.
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
I always drink responsibility I make sure that someone is responsible for buying me drinks.
It needs more cowbell!!
Spruce up your weeknight: run the dishwasher and imagine you`re on a cruise!