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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
Congratulations! You’ve just read this sentence.
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes that reason is that you`re a terrible person and had it coming.
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
You left a note on the fridge saying "This isn`t working. Goodbye" but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don`t get it.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
I wonder what it feels like to be wrong.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Some people should use a glue stick for lip balm
Well the Christmas tree is out of the house, and back on the rear view mirror.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.