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Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
New word of the day: Stupidiot!!
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
No toilet paper.. goodbye socks
So....if the cup is only half full....I suggest buying a smaller bra
The police never think its as funny as you do.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
If you can read this please let me know - because it means I blocked the wrong person.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.