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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Who do Walmart shoppers make fun of?
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you’re nuts.
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
No cowboy in the world can out draw a grandmother pulling a baby picture out of her wallet.
Well if you didn`t want me to fall in love with you, why did you tell me you had nachos?
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.