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Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler`s Anonymous?
There are over 4 million workplace injuries reported every year. Play it safe…call in sick tomorrow.
If only life was as easy as getting fat.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous ... You`re practically begging for typos.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
One day, people are gonna write songs about the nap I`m about to take.
A touching letter by a little girl to Santa on Christmas: Dear Santa, Please give clothes to all those poor ladies in daddy`s laptop
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.