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I`m not upset because it`s Monday, I`m upset because I have to wear pants
I hate when I´m laughing & my a$$ falls off.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
A poem about me: I hate mornings. I wish I was drunk. The End.
I stay a bit overweight because it wouldn`t be fair to all the skinny people if I were this attractive, intelligent, funny and thin. It`s a public service really.
I’m sad when my food is over.
Q: What do you call apple-flavoured marijuana? A: iPot
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
When I was a kid, I thought quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it really is.
Research shows that when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" he infact did.
Please don`t come to my garage sale if you`ve ever let me borrow something.
So there`s a t.v. show called, It`s Me or the Dog?.. I was disappointed to find out its not a game show where people guess who farted