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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
If I had a dollar for every time I got suspicious… I’d wonder who the f&*k was paying me, and why?
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
With all the technology these days, you`d think they would come up with an Online Gym where losing weight would be a click away
I hate Cheetos stains on my peignoir.........
When I`m on my death bed, I want my last words to be...."I left 10 million dollars in the..........."
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Safe words are for quitters.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
I now have more electronic screens in my life than friends.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.