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So tell me, does it hurt to be so full of sh!t?
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
This is the earliest I have ever been late.
How can I love nature when it did this to my hair?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
I’m thinking there’s some type of filter that prevents normal people from like my page
When I am working, I get paid to be nice. I don`t understand why my friends and family expect me to do it for free during my time off.
I have blank business cards I hand out and call them my “none of your business” cards.
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."