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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Ordering a water with lemon says “I’m too cheap to buy a drink, but I still like a little zing.”
Raising teenagers is easy, they sleep 16 hours day, eat the other 8, and the only word in their vocab is "ok"
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I wasn`t born with enough middle fingers to show you how I really feel about you!
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… After I finish laughing.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.