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A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.
You know you`re getting older when you play GTA and spend 3 hours just walking around the map trying to find where you parked your car.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers? I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those ... Wait ... Two. I have 2 kids.
I`m having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... ok by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
I feel like Frosted Flakes gives kids an unreasonable expectation of how friendly tigers are when you try to feed them a bowl of cereal.
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, "no, I`m not doing this sh!t."
I’ve found that the things I’m most interested in aren’t really in my best interest.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."