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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.
I have this great midnight snack it`s called, what do I think my roommate won`t notice if I eat the edges off of
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
I`m more confused than a valet parking attendant at a Mary Kay convention.
I don’t like people who can’t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
If you`ve lost your appetite today, I think I have it.
The well behaved rarely make history.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...