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Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
"Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.