Daily Silly Status

I just poured myself some iced tea. I could have sworn I heard one of the beers in my fridge whisper "What the F*ck!?"

Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "

To whom it may concern: I need more money and power ... ASAP thanks!

About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways.

You just don’t see enough people being taken away in straight jackets anymore.

Does all this status updating make my ego look fat?

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.

I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.

Thanks for calling me to tell me you just sent that email

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 300,000 times, well then you`re probably a weatherman.

Don`t understand how you can forget about someone you loved so much. Like that time my mum drove off and left me in the supermarket car park

I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."

There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.